Last year, I wrote about coping with an unhappy mother's day when your relationship with your mother is less than perfect. A comment from a reader yesterday reminded me that it is not only the children of abusive mothers who find this annual celebration painful, but also those mothers whose children have turned away from them.
Being a mother has always been a challenging role, yet women are judged in this role more than any other. And you only need to browse through the messages in the mass-marketed mother's day cards to see what the social expectations of mothers are today. Interlaced between gratitude for self sacrifice, domestic servitude, and endless patience, are cheery admissions of guilt for being a less than perfect child, causing stress and worry to "Mom." On top of that, today we are faced with the impossible -- being a perfect role model in every way, from our own squeaky clean lifestyle to our success in career and relationships, with any personal failing thus failing our offspring.
And what happens if you failed to pass the mother test? If your child grew up to resent you for getting it wrong, to blame you for their imperfections, or to reject you as a parent? What happens if they use drugs or develop an addiction? Mother's day becomes an annual reminder of your shortcomings, a day when you are reminded that you failed.
So what can you do if you find yourself feeling hurt and shamed by mother's day? Here are my top five tips for the mothers of problem kids:
1. Redefine your relationship. Maybe you weren't a perfect mother, and maybe you didn't have the perfect child. You can't change the past, but you can change your future relationship with your child. Think about what you would like your relationship with your child to be like, and set that as your goal.
2. Take responsibility. Relationships are a two-way street, but in parent-child relationships, the parent is in a more powerful position during the formation of the relationship, and has responsibility for defining the tone of the relationship. If you made mistakes, take responsibility for them. Apologize, and offer to try and make it better. If your child has an addiction, you may find my articles on how to communicate with an addicted loved one and how to help an addicted loved one useful.
3. Try to understand your child. Sometimes this is easier said than done -- the words and actions of kids often seem to make no sense, or reflect values you don't agree with. But try to see the world from their point of view. You Defiant Child and Your Defiant Teen are two books I highly recommend if you are dealing with a difficult kid. If your child is now an adult, think about how their life unfolded, and how they have become the adult they are.
4. Use good parent discipline. My ten tips for preventing addiction in your kids are written for parents who still have kids at home, but the principles apply to parent-child relationships at any age. Setting good boundaries and nurturing your child are the most important tasks for any parent.
5. Don't accept abuse. We usually think of abuse as an act from parent to child. But a troubled child can also become abusive to their parent. Don't accept abuse for the sake of having a relationship with your child. Tell them specifically what is unacceptable about their behavior, for example, lying, stealing, or using drugs in your home, and set a zero tolerance policy for family violence. Tell them what you would need from them to make the relationship work.
While there are many wonderful mothers out there, remember you have one thing in common: you are human. That means you sometimes get it wrong, and neither you nor your child is perfect. Motherhood always comes with some pain. But the mother-child relationship is also the most fundamental relationship we have.
Happy Mother's Day!
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